1
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:28,649
Good evening, it's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:28,650 --> 00:00:32,269
Indeed it is, and in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be meeting Bendo, the

3
00:00:32,270 --> 00:00:35,990
India rubber man in Lord George
Davidson's circus, who recently went

4
00:00:35,991 --> 00:00:39,369
He told the court he'd taken up with the
lady contortionist, and she'd

5
00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:40,870
overstretched his resources.

6
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:46,349
And then I'll be talking to a man who
has been unemployed for nine years, but

7
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:48,330
has now landed a good steady job.

8
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,700
He changes the prices at petrol
stations.

9
00:00:52,830 --> 00:00:53,950
But first, the news.

10
00:00:54,460 --> 00:00:58,259
After His Holiness the Pope arrived in
Britain at Heathrow yesterday, the

11
00:00:58,260 --> 00:01:01,270
airport lounge fell to its knees and
prayed for his luggage.

12
00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:10,059
And on his visit to Balmoral today,
Michael Foote was blown by the wind into

13
00:01:10,060 --> 00:01:14,200
loch, caught his coat in the car door
and was dragged backwards through a

14
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,130
Her Majesty later congratulated him on
looking rather tidier than usual.

15
00:01:24,771 --> 00:01:31,799
House of Commons was sealed off today
after police chased an escaped lunatic

16
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,639
through the front door during the Prime
Minister's question time.

17
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,459
A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was
like looking for a needle in a

18
00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:38,510
haystack.

19
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:45,219
Finally, there was a short ceremony
today at the house in Devonshire Place

20
00:01:45,220 --> 00:01:50,479
Inigo Stott, the inventor of dental
floss, was born. The Minister of Health

21
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,550
a speech and unveiled a small piece of
commemorative plaque.

22
00:01:54,641 --> 00:02:01,069
A sketch in which Mr. Ronnie Corbett
plays the part of a man who crossed a

23
00:02:01,070 --> 00:02:04,080
submarine with a tambourine and formed
the Salvation Navy.

24
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,450
Hubert, this is Gregory.

25
00:02:13,870 --> 00:02:17,060
I'm going to leave you two together.
You've got so much in common.

26
00:02:17,061 --> 00:02:18,069
Oh, really?

27
00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:19,890
How do you do, Hubert? How are you?

28
00:02:20,430 --> 00:02:23,430
So much in common, eh? Yes, I wonder
what that could be.

29
00:02:23,790 --> 00:02:26,970
Are you with the diplomatic corps, then?
No, I'm in cement.

30
00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:31,250
Well, do you live hereabouts?

31
00:02:31,850 --> 00:02:32,900
Aberdeen.

32
00:02:32,921 --> 00:02:35,009
School, perhaps?

33
00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:36,410
Eton? Droitwich Grammar.

34
00:02:38,330 --> 00:02:40,850
Grenadier Guards? No, I was too short
for that.

35
00:02:45,070 --> 00:02:46,120
Hang gliding.

36
00:02:46,810 --> 00:02:51,209
Potholing. Well, she says we've got
something in common, so we must have. I

37
00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:52,650
wonder what it is. Oh, I know.

38
00:02:52,651 --> 00:02:54,189
Hearing aid.

39
00:02:54,190 --> 00:02:55,970
Fun? Hearing aid.

40
00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,740
A bit mutton, Jeff? No, not in the
least. Oh, it can't be that. I tell you

41
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,320
do you collect butterflies?

42
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,420
No. No, neither do I.

43
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:10,139
It can't be that, then. No, it can't. I
know, I am a bit of a jigsaw buff. Would

44
00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:11,059
it be that?

45
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:15,639
Not that either. I know, I'm rather
eccentric in one way. When I have a

46
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,220
always test the temperature with my
earlobe.

47
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,240
But it's a silly thing to do.

48
00:03:25,141 --> 00:03:27,049
what it could be.

49
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:29,770
Toupee. Yeah. Contact lenses.

50
00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,200
No. Forced teeth.

51
00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:32,840
Truss.

52
00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:35,370
Impetigo. A fever.

53
00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:36,760
Block drains.

54
00:03:36,890 --> 00:03:39,030
Cockroaches. No, no.

55
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:00,709
I'm squeaking to you tonight, once
again, as the chairman for the Loyal

56
00:04:00,710 --> 00:04:02,690
for the Prevention of Pismonunciation.

57
00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:09,330
A society formed to help people who
can't say their worms correctly.

58
00:04:10,430 --> 00:04:15,009
I myself often use the wrong worms, and
that is why I was erected charming of

59
00:04:15,010 --> 00:04:16,060
the society.

60
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:21,340
Firstly, let me try and put you in the
puncture regarding our mumblers.

61
00:04:21,341 --> 00:04:24,909
Now, peach in every plummet. them have
Dickie Felty in conversing with the

62
00:04:24,910 --> 00:04:26,590
people they meet in everyday loaf.

63
00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:31,010
Their murkweights at the fig tree or the
orifice, or even in their own holes,

64
00:04:31,130 --> 00:04:33,780
men and wolves, Sather and Fun, Brother
and Thistle.

65
00:04:35,890 --> 00:04:37,090
Unable to commandecute.

66
00:04:37,091 --> 00:04:41,509
Now this can be an enormous bandage chap
to our tremblers at all times,

67
00:04:41,510 --> 00:04:46,529
especially at Bismuth time, because
Bismuth is a season of grease on earth

68
00:04:46,530 --> 00:04:47,580
pig's will to all men.

69
00:04:51,020 --> 00:04:53,910
When the family all get together to eat
drunk and be messy.

70
00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:57,860
Gather round the fireside, cracking
nits.

71
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,790
Smelling Tories and singing old Pongs
and Barrels.

72
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,860
Many of our rumblers lose out on these
skinful pastimes.

73
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:11,139
A very close fringe of mine, for
instance, once went carol -slinging with

74
00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:12,190
local church queer.

75
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,020
But instead of slinging Good King
Wencesar stuck out...

76
00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:26,869
and his feet were steaming, he sang, Go
rest your belly, gentlemen, let nothing

77
00:05:26,870 --> 00:05:27,920
rude display.

78
00:05:29,090 --> 00:05:33,469
Which, of course, caused havoc among the
queer and deeply upended the knicker's

79
00:05:33,470 --> 00:05:34,520
wife.

80
00:05:34,521 --> 00:05:38,789
This is just one instance of what my
tremblers have to stiffer with a lip

81
00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:39,840
of stuff.

82
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:45,849
What we need now is money to build clubs
and calamity centres where people don't

83
00:05:45,850 --> 00:05:49,229
have to bother with the right worms,
places where they can greet each other

84
00:05:49,230 --> 00:05:52,120
a cheery, good -after -nuts -how -nice
-to -squeeze -you.

85
00:05:53,070 --> 00:05:56,510
A place where they can play a game of
ping tennis or table pong.

86
00:05:57,550 --> 00:05:59,110
Scribble or newts and crutches.

87
00:06:01,610 --> 00:06:04,970
Many famous people are patrons of the
society.

88
00:06:05,570 --> 00:06:07,450
Piddly titians like Widdly Whitelaw.

89
00:06:08,470 --> 00:06:10,850
Sir Geoffrey Who and Mr Dennis Holey.

90
00:06:11,710 --> 00:06:14,890
Also famous TV nosebleeders like Reggie
Bousencourt.

91
00:06:16,350 --> 00:06:18,290
Angela Ripon and Anna Flaught.

92
00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:20,750
And of course, Mrs Hairy White Mouse.

93
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,150
to be confused with Mrs. Woodlouse, the
hog dangler.

94
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:34,260
Among the aristocracy, there is Lord
Longfelt, there is the Duchess of

95
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,700
and Lord Monty Boo of Gouley.

96
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,859
But patronage is not enough. Remember
the worms of William Shakespeare's Our

97
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:42,910
Great National Poet.

98
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,560
A horse, a house, my kingdom for a
hearse.

99
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,190
And of course, eventually, he got all
three.

100
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,870
What we need is printed matter. Any sort
of printed matter, no matter what sort.

101
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,030
Send your magazines, newspapers, dicks
and booksharers.

102
00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,090
Do it now.

103
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:02,999
Bungle it up in pustules and post it to
one of our mini -branches dotted all

104
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,140
over the Bottish Isles.

105
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:09,140
Manchester, Hermenbaum, Loverpill, and
as far north as the Firth of Filth.

106
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,910
We are also busy setting up outposts in
foreign pants, too, all over the globe.

107
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,480
In fact, we have just opened a branch in
Siam. And now, in confusion...

108
00:07:18,810 --> 00:07:23,469
I would like you to join me in singing
the Siamese notional anthem to the tune

109
00:07:23,470 --> 00:07:24,710
of God Save the Queer.

110
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,270
Oh, what a night.

111
00:08:20,820 --> 00:08:22,140
What does that mean?

112
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,810
Well, every week he has to report to the
police.

113
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,460
And he did yet?

114
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:29,360
No, no, he's divorcing her for
infidelity.

115
00:08:29,361 --> 00:08:30,599
Oh, dear.

116
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:35,119
No, it's not her fault. She's short
-sighted. She can't help it. It's just

117
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,370
she can't recognise her friends till
they're right on top of her.

118
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:06,500
I'm going to use it to lock away your
love.

119
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:14,999
I've got a standing obligation never to

120
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,050
change it.

121
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:01,190
Thank you.

122
00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:37,880
I'm going to use it to lock away your
love.

123
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:46,979
I've got a standing obligation never to
change

124
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,360
it because then I'd lose your love.

125
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,760
Never to change it, cause then I'd lose
your love.

126
00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:31,469
Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley, known
in police circles as the thinking man's

127
00:12:31,470 --> 00:12:33,170
little and large, are at it again.

128
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:36,929
On board an ocean -going liner, they
have been employed by the wealthy Mrs.

129
00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:40,369
Bumstead to safeguard her all -girls
orchestra, who have been mysteriously

130
00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:41,790
disappearing, one by one.

131
00:12:41,791 --> 00:12:46,529
Since our two heroes took over, however,
there have been no further

132
00:12:46,530 --> 00:12:50,589
disappearances. Could it be that the
pathetic duo have struck terror, or even

133
00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:53,049
boredom, into the hearts of the unknown
kidnappers?

134
00:12:53,050 --> 00:12:54,690
You viewers start here.

135
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,339
Well, Chief, it certainly seems to have
been...

136
00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:04,120
Quiet!

137
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,410
Yeah, it has, yeah.

138
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:11,299
Absolutely no -one has disappeared since
we've come on board.

139
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,820
No, nothing's happened at all.

140
00:13:12,821 --> 00:13:18,119
We should be docking in Madeira soon,
too, according to the steward.

141
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,170
Who, Bernard?

142
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:20,940
Bernadette, more like.

143
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,560
Sure he puts nail varnish on his teeth.

144
00:13:24,561 --> 00:13:29,759
Still, it's been a very nice trip so
far, isn't it? Oh, yes. Mustn't grumble.

145
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,830
Everything paid for? Yep. Twenty quid a
day and all you can eat.

146
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,980
Right up your street, Chief.

147
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,920
What do you mean, right up my street?

148
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:40,260
I don't eat any more than the next man.

149
00:13:40,261 --> 00:13:42,739
Oh, come on. If the next man leaves any,
you eat that and all.

150
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:44,360
All right.

151
00:13:44,580 --> 00:13:46,660
The point is, if it's free, why waste
it?

152
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,359
And the other point is, we are earning
it. Our presence here, obviously, is

153
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,130
deterring the kidnappers, isn't it? What
we're about...

154
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,330
Nothing happens.

155
00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:56,670
It's happened.

156
00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,840
Another one gone, Barbara.

157
00:13:59,841 --> 00:14:02,619
She's the one with the big symbols,
isn't she?

158
00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:05,020
They keep disappearing one by one.

159
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:06,820
Well, in her case, two by two.

160
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:08,770
When was this?

161
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:11,650
Jane and June were checking her cabin.
The place is a mess.

162
00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:12,790
And Barbara gone.

163
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,580
She left a note saying, don't try and
find me.

164
00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:18,480
You haven't met Jane and June, have you?

165
00:14:20,540 --> 00:14:21,590
Jane? June?

166
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,100
Say it. June?

167
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:24,730
Jane? Jane.

168
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:29,630
They're not really twins. We just
pretend they are. It's a good gimmick.

169
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,080
And you say you've searched everywhere?

170
00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:36,639
But you can't search people's private
cabins. That's where she'll be.

171
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,200
But she went of her own free will.

172
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,620
Do you know what I think?

173
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,699
No. Shall I tell you what I think? I
wish you would. There is just a chance

174
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:46,319
it might have some bearing on the case,
Mrs. Grimstead.

175
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,500
Bumstead? Granted.

176
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,900
I think they've been drugged.

177
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:56,980
What is more, I think the drug is...
such that it makes them only too

178
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,370
Willing?

179
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:01,700
You know what I mean.

180
00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:04,900
Oh, very willing.

181
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,780
That willing.

182
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:13,660
Precisely. And I, for one, do not trust
that barman in the equator bar.

183
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,010
Shifty eyes.

184
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:18,960
And I fancy his moustache is a false
one.

185
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,480
Oh, then the drugs might be in the
drinks.

186
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,580
We must put him to the test.

187
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,760
The sooner, the better.

188
00:15:26,761 --> 00:15:29,319
You getting all this down, Charlie? Yes,
Chief.

189
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:30,460
What have we got so far?

190
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:32,480
Mrs. Bumpstead, willing.

191
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,730
Fancy's the barman. The sooner, the
better.

192
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,210
Never mind all that.

193
00:15:38,211 --> 00:15:41,739
What we've got to do is to get a list of
the girls' favourite drinks. Then we

194
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,540
can move in on this shifty barman.

195
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,290
Hey, we can do that.

196
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:47,040
We're going to organise it now.

197
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,120
And I'll bring it to your cabin later.

198
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,300
Thank you very much, Mrs. Bumpstead.

199
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:52,600
Not bear.

200
00:15:52,890 --> 00:15:54,450
Bumstead. As you wish.

201
00:15:54,451 --> 00:15:56,729
Come on, Charlie. We've got a bit of
thinking to do.

202
00:15:56,730 --> 00:15:57,329
Have we?

203
00:15:57,330 --> 00:15:59,189
Well, you have. I'm going to have my
tea.

204
00:15:59,190 --> 00:16:00,630
Thanks very much, Mrs. Baskin.

205
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,130
Bumskin! Bumskin!

206
00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:13,850
Leave this to me, Chief.

207
00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:18,050
A large whiskey and creme de menthe with
port in it.

208
00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:21,190
and a double vodka and brandy.

209
00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:22,749
Wrappy, please.

210
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,800
Are you sure?

211
00:16:24,210 --> 00:16:25,260
Of course I'm sure.

212
00:16:26,670 --> 00:16:27,720
Please yourself.

213
00:16:28,730 --> 00:16:30,350
What's all that about, Charlie?

214
00:16:30,351 --> 00:16:34,089
Well, look, there are 28 different
drinks on this list the girls have given

215
00:16:34,090 --> 00:16:37,329
You see, now, we're not going to have
time to check them all one by one, are

216
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,070
We have to do them in twos and threes.

217
00:16:39,270 --> 00:16:40,320
Ah, I see.

218
00:16:40,321 --> 00:16:43,889
After this, you're having a rum and
Chianti, and I'm going to have a pink

219
00:16:43,890 --> 00:16:44,940
and sherry.

220
00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:47,640
All sounds a bit concentrated for me,
that does.

221
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:50,150
I think I better have a light ale as a
chaser.

222
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:49,519
I read so much about the evils of
drinking that a short while ago I

223
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:54,620
completely gave up reading about it.

224
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,820
Have we found what we're looking for,
Charlie?

225
00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:07,520
Yes, yes, I think we have, yes.

226
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,210
Good.

227
00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:14,130
looking for, Charlie?

228
00:19:15,970 --> 00:19:18,870
You know, that relaxing thingy.

229
00:19:19,470 --> 00:19:20,520
Oh, yeah.

230
00:19:22,630 --> 00:19:24,290
Have we found it, George?

231
00:19:25,930 --> 00:19:27,390
Didn't you just ask me that?

232
00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:28,870
Oh, no, that was me.

233
00:19:29,790 --> 00:19:30,840
Ah.

234
00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:38,950
Yes, I, um... Yes, I do feel, you
know...

235
00:19:52,751 --> 00:19:54,779
chips, sir.

236
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:55,830
Oh, yeah.

237
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:57,570
Yeah, so far.

238
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,180
The swim will do us good.

239
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:05,460
We're in a reciprocal situation.

240
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:10,320
He can talk, but he can't walk.

241
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,500
I can walk, but I can't talk.

242
00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:21,100
So between us, neither of us can do
both.

243
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,500
None of us can do either.

244
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,140
Isn't that right, Charlie?

245
00:21:32,110 --> 00:21:33,290
That's a funny sight.

246
00:21:34,690 --> 00:21:35,890
Four twins.

247
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:39,290
I think we'd better get you to bed.

248
00:21:40,170 --> 00:21:42,630
Oh, that's a good idea.

249
00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:47,450
That's very civil of you, madam.

250
00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:49,870
Very civil of you.

251
00:21:50,550 --> 00:21:52,270
I knew your mother.

252
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,839
So the two pie -eyed private eyes find
themselves being put to bed by the twin

253
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:12,259
clarinetists, having failed once again
to discover the mystery of the drugged

254
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:13,310
kidnapped victims.

255
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:14,770
Oh,

256
00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:17,480
was that my head?

257
00:22:17,481 --> 00:22:22,679
The girls did a thorough job, which in
other circumstances could have been fun.

258
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,579
But our pathetic heroes were too
befuddled to realize that once again

259
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:28,260
been caught with their pants down.

260
00:22:55,260 --> 00:22:57,620
Yeah. This breakfast smells of fish.

261
00:22:58,640 --> 00:22:59,690
Well, it's a kipper.

262
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,160
I can't eat this.

263
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,060
Well, I must eat something.

264
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:08,920
My mouth tastes like the inside of a
wrestler's laundry basket.

265
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:13,299
We did overdo it last night, didn't we?
Yeah, and we still didn't discover

266
00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:14,350
anything.

267
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:18,220
Well, it must be the food, that's all.
The drugs have to be in the food.

268
00:23:18,540 --> 00:23:21,400
Yeah, but not just any food, is it, you
see? It's not.

269
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:26,540
It's not ordinary food, is it? It's the
food only given to the orchestra.

270
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,010
Yeah, but when?

271
00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:30,870
In the interval.

272
00:23:31,260 --> 00:23:35,220
When they all go round the back for
their refreshments. Yeah, that's it,

273
00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:40,119
Yeah, but we can't get hold of any of
that, can we? The only people allowed

274
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,560
round here are the orchestra.

275
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:49,020
Just give me a little while. I might
just come up with an idea.

276
00:23:50,010 --> 00:23:52,060
I'm going to come up with something
else.

277
00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:57,390
What did Sandra say?

278
00:23:57,391 --> 00:24:00,849
Well, she said she'll have a go on the
cymbals, but do you know what a big

279
00:24:00,850 --> 00:24:01,729
she's got?

280
00:24:01,730 --> 00:24:02,780
What about it?

281
00:24:02,790 --> 00:24:03,970
She wants danger money.

282
00:24:08,810 --> 00:24:11,340
Do you mind, madam? I'm changing my
clothing here.

283
00:24:11,470 --> 00:24:12,520
Oh, a shoe chore.

284
00:24:12,521 --> 00:24:16,949
Yeah, viewed it from one of the girls'
cabins. She got three or four, so she'll

285
00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:17,689
never notice.

286
00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:19,470
And the elasticated wig.

287
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,659
You see, and the dolly bag to put me
samples in. So I'm now ready to

288
00:24:23,660 --> 00:24:25,160
the enemy camp. Camp is right.

289
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,060
What are they? Me socks.

290
00:24:27,061 --> 00:24:32,419
So, you're just going to walk in, help
yourself with a few bits of food, put me

291
00:24:32,420 --> 00:24:33,470
in your bag.

292
00:24:34,380 --> 00:24:41,179
And so Charlie prepares to do battle

293
00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:44,919
in the bun fight which takes place
behind the scenes at Mrs. Bumstead's

294
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:48,580
concert. But who is the blind man who
constantly lurks within earshot?

295
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,270
Will Mrs. Bumpstead pay danger money to
the girl with the cymbals?

296
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,690
Or is she playing it a bit too close to
the chest?

297
00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:59,960
Don't miss next week's enthralling
episode of Band of Slaves.

298
00:25:20,630 --> 00:25:21,680
Afternoon.

299
00:25:22,950 --> 00:25:25,210
Nice evening, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

300
00:25:25,530 --> 00:25:26,810
It's a lovely evening.

301
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:30,460
Mind you, it's not such a nice evening
as it was yesterday morning.

302
00:25:31,550 --> 00:25:36,370
No, yesterday morning's a real nice
evening, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah.

303
00:25:36,630 --> 00:25:38,730
It was a nice evening yesterday morning.

304
00:25:39,290 --> 00:25:41,290
I blame the weather, you know.

305
00:25:41,690 --> 00:25:43,190
Oh, I blame the government.

306
00:25:43,191 --> 00:25:48,459
Oh, yeah, and the government, yeah. We'd
be better off without no government,

307
00:25:48,460 --> 00:25:50,520
you know. And we could do as we like.

308
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:54,260
Are you the village idiot?

309
00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:55,670
Yeah.

310
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:00,760
I'm the next village idiot.

311
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:03,540
How do you know that?

312
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,260
I mean, I'm the idiot from the next
village.

313
00:26:07,460 --> 00:26:08,760
Oh, I see, yeah.

314
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,130
Was you elected?

315
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:11,700
No, I were passed.

316
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:19,999
names in the act. They put the names of
the three daftest people in the village

317
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,680
in the act and mine were picked.

318
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,320
Oh, who were the other two?

319
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,200
The vicar and the local MP.

320
00:26:27,540 --> 00:26:29,950
You were lucky to get the job then,
weren't you?

321
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:36,939
Mind you had an unfair advantage, you
know, because my name were in the act

322
00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:38,380
twice. Who was that?

323
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:39,920
It were my act.

324
00:26:44,650 --> 00:26:47,360
you get the job? Always the one with the
funniest nose.

325
00:26:47,630 --> 00:26:49,130
They all pick mine.

326
00:26:54,630 --> 00:26:56,510
I wouldn't pick your nose.

327
00:26:57,650 --> 00:26:58,970
I wouldn't pick yours.

328
00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:03,829
If you could do anything you wanted to
do in the whole wide world, what would

329
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,150
you like to do most?

330
00:27:05,570 --> 00:27:08,330
I'd go and pinch Rosie Bottoms' apples.

331
00:27:16,249 --> 00:27:17,530
Rosie Applesbottom.

332
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:20,430
No, George Bottoms Rosie.

333
00:27:21,090 --> 00:27:22,140
Is he?

334
00:27:25,530 --> 00:27:30,130
It's over Wormalt Way. Grows apples, big
and rosy.

335
00:27:30,650 --> 00:27:31,700
Who is?

336
00:27:31,890 --> 00:27:32,940
His daughter.

337
00:27:33,030 --> 00:27:38,250
I could pick your apples, I would. I'd
climb over her wall, I would.

338
00:27:38,810 --> 00:27:41,130
You sure she wouldn't mind?

339
00:27:41,470 --> 00:27:44,070
Oh, she's used to having her things
pinched.

340
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,410
You'd better be careful, she might pinch
yours.

341
00:27:48,540 --> 00:27:50,640
Oh, no, I wear me thick corduroys.

342
00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:54,340
How is your wife?

343
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:56,240
I haven't got a wife.

344
00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,360
I know that, but how is she anyway?

345
00:27:58,860 --> 00:27:59,980
She's very well.

346
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:02,920
We're getting married next month.

347
00:28:03,420 --> 00:28:05,280
What, both of you? Oh, yes.

348
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,050
Who to?

349
00:28:08,140 --> 00:28:09,190
Each other.

350
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:11,800
There's a coincidence there.

351
00:28:11,801 --> 00:28:12,979
Oh, yeah.

352
00:28:12,980 --> 00:28:15,360
She's getting married in white. Oh. Oh,
yes.

353
00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:18,859
What colour will you be getting married
in? Well, I'll be getting married in me

354
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:21,720
best suit. Yes, the one I got for me
birthday.

355
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:24,650
You'll get married in your birthday
suit?

356
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:27,780
Yeah, that's right, yeah.

357
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,520
It'll need pressing, won't it?

358
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:37,740
Will she be carrying anything up the
aisle? Yeah, her father, most likely.

359
00:28:38,260 --> 00:28:40,360
I don't mean that. I mean, like a
wreath.

360
00:28:40,620 --> 00:28:44,060
Oh, yes, she'll be carrying a big lump
of apple blossom.

361
00:28:45,060 --> 00:28:46,440
Roses? Eh?

362
00:28:46,660 --> 00:28:50,240
Who? Rosie Bottoms Blossom, over the Big
Applers.

363
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,400
No, my bride'll have that.

364
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:55,220
Big Rosie Bottoms?

365
00:28:56,020 --> 00:28:57,440
She won't be there.

366
00:28:58,640 --> 00:28:59,690
Who?

367
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:04,640
My wife Blossom will go up the aisle
with Roses holding her Big Bottoms.

368
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:10,580
Oh, well, I... I... I wish her joy,
then. Joy,

369
00:29:11,700 --> 00:29:12,880
the person's daughter.

370
00:29:14,190 --> 00:29:16,690
Now, she has got big rosy apples. Oh,
yes,

371
00:29:16,691 --> 00:29:21,069
I'm in love with her, Guy. I really am.
I'm learning to write, so I can write

372
00:29:21,070 --> 00:29:24,380
her a letter. I wrote her a letter,
yeah. I've got the letter here. Oh,

373
00:29:25,570 --> 00:29:27,810
yeah. Is all that written by you?

374
00:29:28,130 --> 00:29:29,230
All wrought by me.

375
00:29:30,341 --> 00:29:32,429
What's it say?

376
00:29:32,430 --> 00:29:34,540
I don't know. I haven't learned to read
yet.

377
00:29:38,330 --> 00:29:43,459
Here. That parson's a funny -looking
bloke, isn't he? I wonder who picked...

378
00:29:43,460 --> 00:29:44,510
nose.

379
00:29:45,140 --> 00:29:47,680
I wouldn't have picked the parson's
nose.

380
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,520
Oh, I don't know. Roll on Christmas, I
say.

381
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,670
Well, I'm going to go home now. I've got
to plant some corn.

382
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,500
Oh, do you grow corn?

383
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:59,180
No, it grows by itself.

384
00:30:00,700 --> 00:30:02,280
I fertilise it.

385
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:08,550
And the wife.

386
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:16,699
and the better it did last year, it
didn't grow at all last year. So small

387
00:30:16,700 --> 00:30:19,710
year, the rooks had to get down their
ends and knees to eat it.

388
00:30:19,980 --> 00:30:21,030
So it's Paris.

389
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:23,760
Well, I'm off. Oh, it's you.

390
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:25,300
We're here for all summer.

391
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:30,420
Well, I'll see you here when I get back.

392
00:30:30,421 --> 00:30:31,459
No, no.

393
00:30:31,460 --> 00:30:32,119
Why's that?

394
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:33,200
I'm coming with you. Oh.

395
00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:41,580
Thank you very much, Sam.

396
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:48,179
Here is a joke about a man who, for 35
years, has been a supporter of Fulham

397
00:30:48,180 --> 00:30:49,230
Football Club.

398
00:30:51,420 --> 00:30:52,470
Pathetic, isn't it?

399
00:30:52,471 --> 00:30:56,919
Another story of the low life. No,
actually, I know what you're thinking.

400
00:30:56,920 --> 00:31:00,739
know what you're thinking? Here we go,
just an excuse to do a lot of cheap

401
00:31:00,740 --> 00:31:05,259
about Fulham. Well, you are wrong,
because I happen to be Fulham Football

402
00:31:05,260 --> 00:31:06,310
biggest fan.

403
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:13,819
To give you some idea how many fans
they've got. As a matter of fact, I only

404
00:31:13,820 --> 00:31:18,499
heard this story at lunchtime, to be
honest. My agent, who had been making a

405
00:31:18,500 --> 00:31:22,999
phone call, we were at lunch, came back
to the table, checked the dipstick in

406
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:24,050
his Perrier water.

407
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,720
He's not exactly a heavy drinker.

408
00:31:28,420 --> 00:31:31,480
He once took three weeks to dry out
after eating a wine gun.

409
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:37,359
However, he came back to the table with
some rather exciting news, as I'm

410
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,399
pleased to be able to tell you tonight,
because I have just been picked, it's

411
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:44,479
only been announced, but I've just been
picked for the title role in the next

412
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:45,600
Tarzan film.

413
00:31:48,060 --> 00:31:50,640
It's going to be called Tarzan Isn't
Very Well.

414
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:57,480
And next week, next week I begin
rehearsing my first big scenes with Bo

415
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:01,160
He'll be in a very revealing low -cut
loincloth.

416
00:32:02,190 --> 00:32:03,930
And now I'll be in a fallout shelter.

417
00:32:08,030 --> 00:32:10,490
All went very quiet there, didn't it?

418
00:32:11,050 --> 00:32:15,229
To be honest, I'm hoping it will buck me
up a bit because I've been feeling very

419
00:32:15,230 --> 00:32:18,290
sort of tense this week. Now, I went to
see the doctor about it.

420
00:32:18,690 --> 00:32:21,880
And he got out one of those things that
test your blood pressure.

421
00:32:22,090 --> 00:32:23,140
A rates demand.

422
00:32:25,730 --> 00:32:30,750
Then he made me take off all my clothes.

423
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,680
And he examined me from top to bottom.

424
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:39,020
He said, I'm sorry, I can't find
anything wrong at all with you, Mrs.

425
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:49,359
Personally, I don't think he's got much
idea. I asked him for something to slow

426
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:51,290
me down. He gave me a pint of brake
fluid.

427
00:32:53,130 --> 00:32:57,049
I know why I was feeling tense. It's
this new house we've moved into, I was

428
00:32:57,050 --> 00:33:00,269
telling you, and that we're still
getting an awful lot of teething

429
00:33:00,270 --> 00:33:03,229
There's been some shrinkage in the
woodwork. The other day, a fellow put

430
00:33:03,230 --> 00:33:06,120
hand under the front door and stole the
dining room table.

431
00:33:06,910 --> 00:33:07,960
I digress.

432
00:33:08,450 --> 00:33:13,089
The joke is what I, as I told you, in
the bar, by my agent, this joke. As a

433
00:33:13,090 --> 00:33:16,309
matter of fact, to be honest, he told me
two jokes. The other one was the story

434
00:33:16,310 --> 00:33:20,069
about a very rich oil tycoon who's
deciding what to buy his three sons for

435
00:33:20,070 --> 00:33:22,600
Christmas, and the first son said he'd
like a boat.

436
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:23,820
So he bought him the QE2.

437
00:33:23,821 --> 00:33:27,119
And the second son said he'd like a
music centre, so he bought him the

438
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:28,170
Hall.

439
00:33:28,171 --> 00:33:31,819
The younger son said he'd like a cowboy
outfit, so he bought him British

440
00:33:31,820 --> 00:33:37,659
Airways. Now, but that...
Unfortunately...

441
00:33:37,660 --> 00:33:42,680
Unfortunately... Unfortunately... How
will I get to Australia next time?

442
00:33:43,780 --> 00:33:44,830
Unfortunately,

443
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:50,559
I haven't got... time to tell that joke
as well beside which i happen i happen

444
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:55,079
to prefer the sporting flavor of the
other one because i myself i'm something

445
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:59,759
a sports enthusiast and um i it sounds
hard to believe i know doesn't it when

446
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:04,259
you consider that school i was a bit of
a weakling believe it or not no no no i

447
00:34:04,260 --> 00:34:08,698
was i um i was a hitman for the oval
teenies when

448
00:34:08,699 --> 00:34:15,658
i when i think of all the risky things
we used to get up

449
00:34:15,659 --> 00:34:18,789
to at school i'll tell you Like playing
conkers in the showers.

450
00:34:23,710 --> 00:34:26,370
That really kept you on your toes.

451
00:34:30,670 --> 00:34:35,609
We return to the chap who, you remember,
supports Fulham. Now, one day, he goes

452
00:34:35,610 --> 00:34:39,448
along to the club secretary and he says,
I've supported your team religiously,

453
00:34:39,449 --> 00:34:44,109
he said, all my life. When I die, as a
gesture of respect to the club, I'd like

454
00:34:44,110 --> 00:34:45,160
my ashes.

455
00:34:45,161 --> 00:34:48,569
to be scattered all over the ground, the
pitch, you see. So the secretary said,

456
00:34:48,570 --> 00:34:51,249
well, you know, you know the rule, you
know, that spectators aren't really

457
00:34:51,250 --> 00:34:52,390
allowed onto the pitch.

458
00:34:52,929 --> 00:34:57,330
He didn't say that.

459
00:34:59,030 --> 00:35:00,170
I just thought about it.

460
00:35:00,450 --> 00:35:01,500
Anyway,

461
00:35:01,501 --> 00:35:04,829
he said, I've got a better idea, the
secretary said to him. He said, I've got

462
00:35:04,830 --> 00:35:08,790
better idea. He said, why don't you go
and see a taxidermist?

463
00:35:10,431 --> 00:35:15,859
He sounds a little bit like my bank
manager, to be honest.

464
00:35:15,860 --> 00:35:20,439
He said, why don't you go and see a
taxidermist, he said, and arrange

465
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:21,199
with him.

466
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:25,539
Well, then what we'll do, he said, when
it's all over, he said, we'll sit you

467
00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:29,040
back in your old place in the sand every
Saturday afternoon.

468
00:35:30,420 --> 00:35:35,179
So the chap agrees to this, and years
went by, and eventually the fateful day

469
00:35:35,180 --> 00:35:36,230
came round.

470
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,200
He was sitting there, you know, watching
the Borgias.

471
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:45,160
And he died in his sleep.

472
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:55,659
Well, all the instructions he left were
carried out to the letter, and the

473
00:35:55,660 --> 00:36:00,859
following Saturday, at three o 'clock,
they sat him in his old place, in the

474
00:36:00,860 --> 00:36:02,660
stand at Fulham Football Ground.

475
00:36:06,580 --> 00:36:08,780
And as usual, he left at half -time.

476
00:36:23,180 --> 00:36:26,700
It's that great show, Nashville. It's
that great show, Nashville.

477
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,300
Tonight's going to be some celebration.

478
00:36:30,260 --> 00:36:33,880
Because the stars are going to see. Post
it, post it on KYT.

479
00:36:34,100 --> 00:36:35,360
Turn it up to Tennessee.

480
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:36,660
Go to the TV station.

481
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:38,600
Going to meet you.

482
00:36:39,420 --> 00:36:40,470
Going to meet you.

483
00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:43,980
Going to meet you. And the stars are
going to cry.

484
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:46,300
Going to see some Germany.

485
00:36:46,620 --> 00:36:48,360
Here on the station, KYT.

486
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:51,070
Going to get some good old offering here
tonight.

487
00:36:53,260 --> 00:36:55,560
Here he is, folks. The Kentucky Cowboy.

488
00:36:55,780 --> 00:36:58,900
Tall in the saddle and short in the
breath. It's Mr.

489
00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:00,340
Slim Pittman.

490
00:37:06,420 --> 00:37:12,639
I'm a guy with a darned height where my
feet are. My spurs rip me up where I

491
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:18,759
tread. And that old jingle jangle gets
my sheets in a tangle. But I don't take

492
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,160
my boots off in bed.

493
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:27,400
Gonna teach you to hogwash and grip.

494
00:37:27,940 --> 00:37:32,499
All my jeans, they've been shortened and
they did swear the old and they

495
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:34,540
gronched my important little bit.

496
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:37,280
Folks, she's big down south.

497
00:37:37,281 --> 00:37:41,239
She's big way out west. She's the one
you've all been waiting for. Little lady

498
00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:44,900
who's big all over. Let's hear it for
Missy Holly Parton.

499
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,660
I'm a gal whose crib ages ten, folks.

500
00:37:55,030 --> 00:38:01,889
I can chat, I can jigger, I'm a real
hourglass figure, and the fan

501
00:38:01,890 --> 00:38:03,670
sure is stacked up the top.

502
00:38:04,510 --> 00:38:11,390
Gonna meet ya, gonna greet ya, gonna
treat ya, and a hot wash and grills.

503
00:38:11,510 --> 00:38:15,510
I got jazz, I got jingles, I got great
swinging singles.

504
00:38:15,770 --> 00:38:21,970
Gonna meet ya, gonna greet ya.

505
00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:48,829
I love my dear ma. She's a real Texas
dame. And we both love my pa, though we

506
00:38:48,830 --> 00:38:50,210
don't know his name.

507
00:38:50,490 --> 00:38:54,110
I love my grandpappy. I'm a sister, of
course.

508
00:38:54,410 --> 00:39:00,570
But best of all these, dang it, I love
my horse. He's a three -legged critter,

509
00:39:00,590 --> 00:39:07,249
but he's my best friend. With a smile in
each eye and a grin at each end. So I

510
00:39:07,250 --> 00:39:10,530
keeps him in the over and I scratches
his head.

511
00:39:11,150 --> 00:39:14,710
because he keeps me real warm when we're
tucked up in bed.

512
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:48,930
So I took deep breathing and a small
guitar.

513
00:39:51,620 --> 00:39:54,400
Now I'm a 47 and a real big star.

514
00:39:56,860 --> 00:39:59,480
It's pretty, it's pretty, it's fabulous
me.

515
00:40:00,140 --> 00:40:04,660
Big star, hell is it great. They don't
come any bigger down in old Tennessee.

516
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:10,040
When I see apples, then I think of Ann.

517
00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:15,160
When I see nectarines, think of Nan.

518
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:20,520
peaches and a thing called brew.

519
00:40:22,740 --> 00:40:25,780
But when it's watermelons, then it's you
-know -who.

520
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,920
It's a rooty, it's a tooty, it's a
fruity old me.

521
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:35,920
They don't come any riper down in old
Tennessee.

522
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:52,119
I thought, oh boy, she's a poker like a
sofa. Give me country style. We're the

523
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:53,440
best of friends.

524
00:40:53,780 --> 00:40:57,580
I'm called the country western king. He
gets crowned each time he sings.

525
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:00,120
Country style is still the best of
friends.

526
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:04,500
Well, now, baby, baby, gonna shake my
hip. Gonna get that wild applause.

527
00:41:05,180 --> 00:41:08,980
Baby, baby, gonna let it rip. Ooh, yeah,
bust my drawers.

528
00:41:10,460 --> 00:41:14,420
The folks call us the Nashville sound.
Gonna lash their teeth when we're

529
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,020
Country style is still the best of
friends.

530
00:41:18,220 --> 00:41:22,200
I've got sequins on my sets. I've got
things they're taking bets on.

531
00:41:22,460 --> 00:41:25,280
Country stars, we're the best of
friends.

532
00:41:25,540 --> 00:41:30,380
I'll call the Cadillac of rock. There's
40 ,000 on your clock. Country stars,

533
00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:31,860
we're the best of friends.

534
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:36,380
Well now, baby, baby, gonna shake my
hip. Gonna twist that ball to jack.

535
00:41:36,940 --> 00:41:38,620
Baby, baby, gonna let it rip.

536
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:40,620
Ooh, I've done my back.

537
00:41:42,260 --> 00:41:45,920
The royal process, him and me. The king,
the queen of Tennessee.

538
00:41:46,540 --> 00:41:48,650
Country style and steal the best of
rings.

539
00:42:15,551 --> 00:42:22,339
That seems to be all we have time for
tonight, doesn't it, Ronnie? Indeed it

540
00:42:22,340 --> 00:42:26,359
does, but before we go, a few late items
of news. Many old musical fans were

541
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:30,799
present at the funeral today of Fred
Chuckles Jenkins, Britain's oldest and

542
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:31,880
unfunniest comedian.

543
00:42:32,180 --> 00:42:36,339
In tribute, the vicar read out one of
Fred's jokes, and the congregation had

544
00:42:36,340 --> 00:42:37,390
minutes' silence.

545
00:42:37,660 --> 00:42:43,119
A would -be thief in a Romford
supermarket was thwarted today by have

546
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:47,160
assistant Miss Teresa Quilp, who
attacked him with a labelling gun.

547
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:51,010
The police say they are now looking for
a man with a price on his head.

548
00:42:51,691 --> 00:42:59,259
And finally, a committee of the United
Nations has declared that next year will

549
00:42:59,260 --> 00:43:00,460
be the year of the gas man.

550
00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:04,270
The gas board says it won't be able to
start until March at the earliest.

551
00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:10,199
Next week, in a packed programme, we'll
be meeting the public footpath inspector

552
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:13,720
who met a girl on Hampstead Heath and
had his right of way with her.

553
00:43:13,721 --> 00:43:19,029
Now I'll be talking to the man who made
love with his wife six times in an hour

554
00:43:19,030 --> 00:43:21,560
and a half and amazed two of Britain's
top doctors.

555
00:43:21,590 --> 00:43:23,330
They were sitting at the next table.

556
00:43:23,331 --> 00:43:28,339
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

557
00:43:28,340 --> 00:43:32,890
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